Judith and the wardrobe malfunction

05 Oct

Maid:     Uh … Miss Judith. Did you forget something this morning?
Judith:   I don’t think so. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, shined my sword, grabbed my severed head …
Maid:     But … don’t you feel a draft?
Judith:   Well, wearing my hair up like this does expose my neck.
Maid:     No. Go lower.
Judith:   (in a low voice) Wearing my hair up like this does expose my neck.
Maid:     NO!!  I meant your breasts!  You’re slippin’ a nip!!  Your boobs are busting out!!!
Judith:   Well, CRAP!!  The elastic must have worn out in my bodice.  That’s the last time I shop at the Bethulia
              Boutique.  You don’t think anyone will notice, do you?
Maid:     Of course not.  Why would foreign soldiers far from home without women look at your perky little tits?
Judith:   Can you distract them?
Maid:     Sure. If I wave that severed head around I’m sure they won’t notice.
Judith:   Bitch.
Maid:     Tramp.
Judith:   (pause) …. Do you really think my tits are little?

Vincent Sellaer, “Judith with the head of Holofernes,” c.1550-1575, Oil on panel, 60.5 x 44.4 cm, Davis Museum and Cultural Center, Wellesley, Massachusetts, USA US

1 Comment

Posted by on October 5, 2011 in Whorey


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One response to “Judith and the wardrobe malfunction

  1. Kristine Armstrong Woodworth

    October 6, 2011 at 10:57 am

    I think you have a future as a comedy writer. Love this one!


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