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Judith saves face

24 Jul

Hans von Aachen (after), “Judith,” 17th century, Oil on canvas, 119 x 95 cm, Musée Ingres, Montauban, France

Judith:   [in a loud voice over the noise of the crowd] AND HERE I HOLD THE FAUCHION THAT HUNG ABOVE HOLOFERNES’ BED …
Maid:     Pssst.
Judith:   … THAT I USED TO STRIKE HIS NECK …
Maid:     PSSST!!
Judith:  [Whispering aside] What?!
Maid:     I can’t find the head.
Judith:  [Whispering aside] WHAT?!!  I need that head for the next part of my speech. How can you lose a head?
Maid:     The same way you lose anything else.
Judith:   [in a loud voice over the noise of the crowd] … WHILE HE LAY IN A STUPOR … [Whispering aside] When did you last have it?
Maid:     When we walked through the gates, when everyone ran out to cheer you.
Judith:   [in a loud voice over the noise of the crowd] … SNORING … [Whispering aside] And then what?
Maid:     I don’t know.  In the excitement, it got misplaced.
Judith:   [in a loud voice over the noise of the crowd] … LIKE AN ELEPHANT AND … [Whispering aside] What should I do?
Maid:     Just sit down while I think of something.
Judith:   [suddenly in a loud voice] … I JUST SAT ON HIS FACE!!
CROWD:   WHAT?!!  YOU SAT ON HIS FACE??
Judith:   [in a loud voice] NO, I MEAN I JUST “SPAT” IN HIS FACE … BEFORE I CUT OFF HIS HEAD … LIKE THIS! [showing the head]
Maid:      Oh, there is it!  Right under your bum!  But I didn’t think you were going to talk about that part when you …
Judith:   [Whispering aside] Careful. The next head you lose may be your own.

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Posted by on July 24, 2012 in Whorey

 

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